My Unexpressed Words

2012-02-02T17:20:00.002+08:00

The doctor said that with each remission, the chance of a 100% recovery decreases. It seems like the medication is not working as well as the last time I had it.

People say my smile is my best feature. Now my best feature is snatched away by this dreadful disease.

If it's not getting any better after one week, I might have to go for a CT scan.

Before this, I have the strength to fight it, but this time around, I just have a very bad feeling about it.

You're still not quiting, right?

2012-01-28T18:14:00.001+08:00

2012-01-08T02:48:00.000+08:00

this reminds me of someone very dear to me. HAAHAHAH

2012-01-07T02:19:00.002+08:00

hey Angel

If you're reading this, just wanna say I MISS YOU LOADS. Why you no go out with us? haha. Well, I could have just texted you instead, but this is more romantic (sorry, I overload on the rom-coms this past few days).

Love you gorgeous

2012-01-06T15:37:00.002+08:00

Last week, I had an overdose of Rasyad and now I'm having withdrawal symptoms. How can I not be? One full week of undivided attention from him on our shopping sprees, breakfasts, lunches, dinners, movie dates, parties and other thingssss.. and then suddenly BAM! He's back at work and we can only talk for less than 15 minutes a day.

I miss him. I want him now.

2012-01-06T14:49:00.002+08:00

We are all guilty of putting up a false front to impress people. Some do it occasionally while others their whole entire life. I can't deny that impressions are important and a lil bit of exaggeration/cover-up/fronting is necessary for human interaction. But when it becomes suffocating, is it worth it? When we have to put on our masks 24/7 so that others cannot see our vulnerable side, is that even healthy? We put up a front just so that others compliment us, accept us, admire us, isn't that sad?

Anyway, I run out of liquid detergeant to do laundry, hence laundry day would be tomorrow. Yessah! Today is free of chores!

2011-12-22T22:36:00.003+08:00

We live in the world of irony. Not always pleasant, but it helps us to realize there are certain things that we cannot take for granted and to always put into perspective what matters most.

Yet, who am I to judge?

On a lighter note, I did good for my finals. Maintained my CAP from last semester. It would have been awesome if my CAP increased, but hey, handling 6 modules instead of the usual 5 and still maintain my CAP is no easy feat. I literally gave myself a pat on the back when I got the results.

Shaikha and I had a dinner date a few days back at Vintage Delicafe. The food is good and service was prompt and courteous. Then we head on to Sufi for shisha for our usual heart-to-heart talk. As always, I had a ball of a time with her. Never is there a dull moment when I'm with her. I can really do/say anything I want and she never judges me. A great bestfriend that I'll treasure for the rest of my life.

Finally my shopping date with Rasyad is tomorrow! It's been ages since we last went out together. Busy busy busy! Mostly on his part, cause my social time=infinity. Gonna get some cool dregs for NYE.

Craving for jaggerbombs!

2011-12-19T00:22:00.002+08:00

“If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are. Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.”

-Robert Pattinson

Fellas, it's time you guys give some love to brainy girls.

2011-12-10T23:16:00.001+08:00

My sister is such a pain in the ass. I really can't stand her fucking mouth at times. I seriously want to slap her fucking ugly face right now.

2011-12-06T23:45:00.002+08:00

I think I was a magpie in my previous life.

I have this obsession with glittery, shiny stuff. Anything that sparkles, I gotta have it. Even if I can't have it, I MUST touch it.

I absolutely love glitter. Is there edible glitter? I would totally sprinkle them on my nasi lemak, mee rebus et cetera. I love it!

As such, my gold glitter toms is my absolute favourite accessory that i currently own.

I want glitter babies. Perhaps, I should lure Edward to bite Rasyad. Then Rasyad and I get married and have a baby. When I'm about to give birth, Rasyad would then bite me (after doing a caesarean on me with his fangs) in the last minute to turn me into a vampire. There you have it, a glitter baby that glitters in the sun!

2011-12-03T12:48:00.003+08:00

So, the exams are over. Finally I can sleep in, stone and read. Why would anyone STILL read after the exams, right? WRONG. I have 4 awesome books to read, with the current one written by the cute as a button Cecelia Ahern. Her books are so captivating and makes me want to soul-search.

Anyhoo, meeting my gorgeous girls later for a movie date:) It's been so long since us sistas hang out for our smoke-&-pour-out-issues-while-eating-popcorn dates. (i'm gonna cop one or three stix from u Shiky Bom) Love em to bits. (and u too rasyad. haha. I HAD to add that in)

New Year's around the corner and instead of telling me to go do party stuff, Angel told me to bambam. -.- wth. haha.

2011-11-10T01:01:00.002+08:00

I miss my bear :(

2011-11-01T00:53:00.002+08:00

November Get-list

1) Foundation

2) Blusher

3) Bangles

4) Sleeved/toga maxi dress

5) 3 cheap loose-fitting tee shirts

6) Maxi skirt

7) iPanema Gisele Bundchen Queen Ladies sandal in Gold

8) Lucidol Hair Wax

9) A nice watch

10) something yummy

2011-10-30T02:22:00.002+08:00

We went to 15 minutes today for dinner. It's located at LaSalle, awesome place with awesome food. They also have live music, but the set started at 830pm, which was too late. So, we went to Golden Village at Plaza Singapura to watch IN TIME. AWESOME MOVIE, i tell you. It's so full of sociological insights and throughout the movie I actually made references and recalled sociological theories! Can you imagine my nerd-ness??

So it was an awesome night, with awesome food and awesome entertainment, spent with the most awesome boyfriend ever :)

The night made me realised that certain things he said were true. About how I have not been showing him the affection, how I'm not as manja to him and how I'm always picking fights/pissed off/grumpy etc. I feel extremely shit for treating him like that this past few weeks. He has beem sp undertanding and tolerant while I'm just being an ass pushing the limits all the time. But I've told myself that I should really get rid of all those negativity in me.

We shall always have happy dates from now on :)

2011-10-21T18:58:00.002+08:00

I'm doing marketing lecture and I find myself crying. And I'm in school.

You definitely spoilt my day.

2011-10-21T18:19:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, being alone feels more liberating than having someone's company. You don't have to try to please that person and you can focus on yourself, doing things you enjoy.

But it completely sucks when you need the company of someone, but no one's there.

Who says those in relationships never get lonely?

2011-10-18T22:20:00.002+08:00

During times like this, with deadlines kissing each other in the asses, I really miss bf. I miss the times when he used to just sit beside me, with his psp etc while I study.

I rmb the times when he used to surprise me at school, showing up out of the blue and making my day :)

And I can never forget the times when he came down all the way from the other end of the world to give me support whenever I have my performances. His encouragement and support drives me to continue my passion.

He is really the pillar of my strength (besides my mother). As pathetic as I sound, I really feel that without him, I wont have the drive to continue with anything in my life. He makes me look forward to every single day even though I know how fucked up life could be at times.

To me, he is just amazing.

2011-10-07T01:16:00.002+08:00

Why I'm no longer vain?

Yeah, it could be due to my overwhelming workload this year.

It could also be because of you.

You used to make me feel like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, even if I'm in a plain old tank top and jeans.

Now, not anymore.

I don't feel it coming from you.

That's why I don't bother anymore to be vain.

Come on, let's face it. I have gained alot of weight. I know that. That kinda affects me, like I hate looking into the mirror or looking at my pictures. And even though you deny it, I still think you are affected by it.

Ok, maybe you are concern to as why I have not been cheerful since the start of this year.

But why mention I'm not vain? Why not say I'm not as cheerful as before? Is it because I'm not vain = I don't look good = you are affected by it?

Are you embarrassed by how I look now?

Be clearer please.

2011-10-05T00:34:00.003+08:00

Is there a minimum level for being pretty? I mean, have you ever heard anyone say "well that girl could be pretty if (fill in the blanks)" So, she has to (fill in the blanks)before she can hit the level of pretty-ness? What's wrong with her not (fill in the blanks)?

By the way, I envy those big and fabulous girls who look good and feel good in their own skin. I feel like I'm in between, like I'm too fat to be average size but too little to be plus-sized. So to which group do I belong? Nevertheless, I try to embrace myself for who I am, but still...

2011-09-27T17:47:00.002+08:00

I'm suffering from Bali withdrawal symptoms. I really want to go back, but this time around Rasyad's coming with me!

Ubud was definitely a winner to me as compared to Kuta, because as much as I self-proclaim that I am a city-girl, I really do love the peaceful and quiet life. In Ubud, i can literally chillax and be a hippy. haha. And i'm a culture-buff, so with all those cultural performances and landmarks there, I was sure a happy happy girl.

Kuta on the other hand was much more accessible and easier to find food, but it all seem to fast-paced and commercialized.

Ubud was where everyone found their "taksu".

2011-09-14T00:43:00.003+08:00

That's me and my just arrived GOLD GLITTTER TOMS!

I'm so happy to see them! After a long gruesome day at the A&E, I'm so ecstatic to see them on the table.

Why I was at the A&E? I had to do X-Ray and inserted this camera thing through my nose to check the status of my throat to find out I have ACUTE PHARYNGITIS. which in lay man terms throat infection.

And atok, please kuat kan semangat ok. get better. tmr we visit u..

2011-09-11T19:02:00.002+08:00

MOHAMMED RASYAD.

I AM BORED SITTING AT HOME FACING MY READINGS ALL DAY.
IT'S SUNDAY!
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO RIDE ON YOUR BIG WHITE HORSE, SWEEP ME ON TOP OF YOUR HORSE WITH ONE HAND AND BRING ME RIDING TOWARDS THE SUNSET.

2011-09-11T11:59:00.002+08:00

When I said she's hot, he didn't say anything.

Does that mean:

- He agrees that she is hot/ there's nothing for him to disagree?
- Time to panic?
- HE IS NOT ATTRACTED TO ME ANYMOOOOOORRRRREEEE? *stabs heart with a fork*

2011-09-09T21:22:00.002+08:00

2011-09-08T14:17:00.004+08:00

I was reading some articles for my Sexuality in Comparative Analysis course regarding how female virginity has a price while male virginity is something that can be dismissed. I have mixed feelings on this imposition societal structure has on its members.

I mean, I believe in the notion that sex is supposed to be reserved for THE ONE (I succumb to this) but the way this belief is shaped is totally for the benefit of men. It's okay for men to sleep around before settling down but if a woman was to do that, her 'value' drops. Why must it be the case where men MUST have "first-hand goods"? Don't women want "first-hand goods" too?

It is always argued that a man cannot cannot accept if his girlfriend/wife has had multiple sex partners before him. He will have mental thoughts about her with other men. Okay, I get this. But how about the women? Wouldn't they feel the same thing if their men were sexually active before them too? It's like women are trained to accept that it's okay if their men are not virgins while men are trained that IT'S NOT OKAY if their women are not virgins. THIS IS CLEARLY FOR THE SATISFACTION OF MEN. They get to have the best of both worlds. They get to try pussies and yet get the 'first hand pussy' after marriage. Women, on the other hand, are not able to try different dicks. If not, they are a whore. And women, no matter if they are virgins or not, 95% of the time the dick they are getting after marriage have been in somekind of wethole. If a woman gets a virgin husband, she has to worry about him fooling around, since he has not tasted different pussies. BECAUSE MEN ARE SOCIALISED TO INCORPORATE A "PUSSY-SPREE" PHASE IN THEIR LIFE, BE IT BEFORE MARRIAGE, AFTER MARRIAGE, OR BOTH. But a man don't have to woryy about such shit BECAUSE WOMEN ARE NOT SOCIALISED SINCE YOUNG TO BE LIKE THAT.

And even if some men don't really care for virgins, there is still this unspoken rule that woman can only have so and so number of previous sex partners (maybe at the most 3?). If more than that, they wont take her seriously. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MEN, THE WOMAN HAVE TO ACCEPT HIM EVEN IF HE HAS HAD 50 SEX PARTNERS. BECAUSE AS PEOPLE SAY IT, IT'S NORMAL FOR MEN TO ACT LIKE THAT. wtf. seriously.

This is not a personal view, I'm just trying to come up with an argument for tutorials. Which is totally turning into a personal one. FUCK IT!

2011-09-08T14:12:00.002+08:00

I don't understand why I always have to assume the worst of other people. Like how I always think people are hiding deep, dark secrets even though they could be the sweetest people on earth.

2011-09-06T00:28:00.002+08:00

I'm going to Bali. I'm supposed to be excited right?

Not really. And I know the reason so well.

Because, I'm gonna miss him so much.

2011-08-25T01:20:00.003+08:00

I stumbled upon (like randomly poped up on my sidebar, I wasnt even stalking. I'm not Shaikha. OPPPPSSS.) his ex's profile and all those insecurities and doubts came rushing back and having a blast tearing up my self-esteem. It's just so weird. I mean like clearly, I know she has nothing on me (haha, shiok sendiri time. but really.) and that I am THE ONLY ONE he wants, but to think that she was the only one he wanted AT THAT TIME BEFORE ME, kinda makes me sad. She was the first to occupy his heart, mind and soul and people always say the first will always be remembered. (Not for me though, my first was an asshole so it does not count. And by first I mean first serious relationship okay not first sex partner. Better clarify this before people start to judge and talk and whatnot). He literally chased after her. So much devotion he had for her.

The second thing that makes me so damn fucking insecure is she is freaking hot. I mean, she's tall (something I always dream of but can never be), skinny (something that i can work on but...), artistic (LaSalle. I envy those who can produce things with their hands), hot, sexy lips, long legs, probably big boobs (I dont know, I always assume people who are this blessed definitely are blessed with great breasts) list goes on..

I'm whining like a bitch here, I know that. But I cant help wonder who he would lay his eyes on first if me and her were in the same room. Would he be reminded of old feelings if they met face to face?

I do realize all this stems from my bruised self-esteem. Work on this and this post would never even exist. But for now, lets say "construction in progress".

I'm so gonna get it from him for entertaining such thoughts. cant help it. Lonely wee mornings make me a psycho bitch :(

2011-08-20T22:11:00.000+08:00

*blushes*

2011-08-03T11:10:00.001+08:00

CREAMER!

2011-08-01T03:30:00.000+08:00

2011-08-01T03:17:00.001+08:00

I regret doing this to you. I regret that night. I regret the lies. I regret all of it.

I swear I'll never do it again to you.

Because I love you so, so much.

2011-08-01T03:14:00.000+08:00

I know a lot of people know who he is, but I also know there are not that many who got to see the side of the guy that I did. And that guy, well, I’ll never forget him. Not ever. I’ve learned so much about life and emotion from knowing him and I wouldn’t change a thing about it. Your heart needs to go through some bumps like these once in a while. Besides, he has made a monumental impact on me and on my life in these past few years. I know no matter how many years go by, my stomach will always do a little flip whenever I see that face.

(Source: eletheowl)

2011-07-30T15:49:00.002+08:00

The blinds wide open so he can
See you in the dark when you're sleepin'
Think about it, fresh out the shower
You touch yourself after hours
Ain't no man allowed in your bedroom
You're sleeping alone in your bed
But check your window, he's at your window

One, two, you're the girl that I want
Three, four, five, six, seven, shit
Eight is the bullets if you say no after all this
And I just couldn't take it, you're so motherfuckin' gorgeous
Gorgeous, baby you're gorgeous
I just wanna drag you're lifeless body to the forest
And fornicate with it but that's because I'm in love with you, cunt

I just wanna talk, and conversate
Cause I usually just stalk you and masturbate
And I finally got the courage to ask you on a date
So just say yes, let the future fall into place, cunt

- "She", Tyler the Creator featuring Frank Ocean

This is currently ZE song I am so obssessed about. It's absolutely degrading to women, creepy, pro-violence. But I find the lyrical flow to be asolutely genius. The 3 verses i posted here is to me, the most obscene verse any rapper could possibly rap about. All those other shit about getting shot 8 times, drugs, gangs, orgies and whatnot pales in comparison to this. THIS IS THE SHIT. THIS IS WHAT EVERY MORAL CURSADERS SWORE TO ERADICATE.

Sue me for loving such violent and psychopathical songs. I'm into this shit.

Sidetrack nerd comment: Conversate is actually grammatically incorrect, and therefore not a legitimate word, but whatever. (I'm actually concerned about this rather than the despicable nature of this song?! Man, I need to get myself a shrink)

2011-07-29T18:27:00.002+08:00

I was watching India A love Story on Ch5, admiring the gorgeous girls and suddenly something triggered me that they are BRAZILIANS. So, being the stalker me, I googled for images of brazilian girls and I was smacked hard on the face with pages and pages of fucking hot babes. Big tits, round asses. Not a single one of them looked like shit. I dont know why I got so angry thinking about it, them and MadJack.

I even googled for ugly brazilian girls. Guess what? I GOT NONE!

Liar.

FUCK YOU HOT BRAZILIAN BABES! Fuck all of you.

2011-07-26T18:46:00.001+08:00

I wish my breasts were bigger and my ass rounder.

There, I said it.

2011-07-20T16:14:00.000+08:00

2011-07-13T00:22:00.002+08:00

There is one thing I would LOVE to do to you right now: Scream in your face.

That would make me feel so much better rather than having that conversation.

2011-06-30T12:58:00.002+08:00

One of my bestfriends is leaving Singapore, leaving us, leaving me. It wouldn't be the same without her around. There would be no one to eat Japanese and Yong Tau Foo with me in school. No one to bitch about SHRIMP, or the couples kissing in Central Library. No one to give me a hug when i need one after a bullshit day in school.

I am already starting to miss you :'(

2011-06-04T15:50:00.001+08:00

Shit. I want to party again. Yes I know. Boyfriend's gonna kill me. But the thing is I WANT TO PARTY WITH HIM. Yet, he does not want too :(((

2011-05-23T02:09:00.003+08:00

22 May 2011- 2nd Anniversary

Though it has been a bumpy ride, never once I regretted being with you.

I love you so much Mohammed Rasyad.

Let's grow old together.

Yours Always,

ATMkanchiong.

2011-05-19T15:35:00.002+08:00

So what do you want? I tried to salvage the situation by proposing to try end dance on sunday by 6pm. But that's still not good enough for you? And you ask me why we are quarrelling for our anni.

Now tell me, if you can have the chance to spend time one hour more, would you take it? Of course I would. Then, why make it a big fuss? I'm trying to squeeze in time for us, but here you are blaming me for the quarrel.

FUCK!

2011-05-18T15:57:00.002+08:00

I.AM.SO.FRUSTRATED.

I've been searching for this song for over 3 hours. It's this song played at my workplace everytime before club night starts. Its like a snippet before Kiss Me through The phone. It plays all the time. And I'm addicted to it. The problem is I do not know the title. I'm assuming it's from Lloyd, but I still could not find it. I thought of asking the soundman, but I'm forbidden to talk to male-species unless necessary. Haha. Also, everytime that song plays, I'm busy with customers or doing something far far away from the sound station, hence I'm unable to peek at the lappie.

DAMN IT I CANNOT GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD. ARGH.

2011-05-16T14:08:00.002+08:00

6 more days, baby.

Just another angsty post

2011-04-25T19:01:00.003+08:00

I left you for Jakarta and Batam. But these trips don't pose any threats. I went with my dance teacher, and it's us girls, with a bunch of older people. Hence clearly, there would be no clubbing/drinking/boys/mischief.

On the other hand, your trip.. I don't even know where to start. Entertainment-wise, its so cheap there. And the people you go with, they drink/club etc. Okay, maybe since its family, you may not go to these places. But I would never know right. Anything can happen.

So, I dont think I'm wrong to be paranoid, to hold on to you abit tighter. Try be in my shoes. I bet you'll freak out as well.

I don't know. If you do go, I'll be so damn pissed. I wont send you off. Heck, maybe I'll just shut off from you a week before you go.

If you come back and I'm not the same person you knew, don't blame me. Because I am ANGRY. Others can say whatever they want. I am so restrictive la, its family what.. Just say it. I dont care. Because you chose me to be part of your life, and with that I too can make decisions. I'm not asking you to choose between me or family, I'm just asking you to DO WHATEVER YOU CAN TO NOT GO. Yes, I'm selfish but you chose me, so deal with it.

(This is a paranoid and angsty post to relieve myself. Don't take it seriously)

2011-04-23T18:15:00.001+08:00

The Top 10 Health Benefits of Kissing...Have been documented in medical studies offering amazing advantages for a long and healthy life.

1) Those who kiss their partner goodbye each morning live five years longer than those who don’t.

2) Kissing is great for self-esteem. It makes you feel appreciated and helps your state of mind.

3)Kissing burns calories, 2-3 calories a minute and can double your metabolic rate. Research claims that three passionate kisses a day (at least lasting 20 seconds each) will cause you to loose an entire extra pound! It's time to start that kissing diet!

4)Kissing is a known stress-reliever. Passionate kissing relieves tension, reduces negative energy and produces a sense of well being, lowering your cortisol ‘stress’ hormone.

5)Kissing uses 30 facial muscles and it helps keep the facial muscles tight, preventing baggy cheeks! The tension in the muscles caused by a passionate kiss helps smooth the skin and increases the circulation.

6)Kissing is good for the heart, as it creates an adrenaline which causes your heart to pump more blood around your body. Frequent kissing has scientifically been proven to stabilize cardiovascular activity, decrease blood pressure and cholesterol.

7)Those who kiss quite frequently are less likely to suffer from stomach, bladder and blood infections.

8)During a kiss, natural antibiotics are secreted in the saliva. Also, the saliva contains a type of anesthetic that helps relieve pain.

9)Kissing reduces anxiety and stops the 'noise' in your mind. It increases the levels of oxytocin, an extremely calming hormone that produces a feeling of peace.

10)The endorphins produced by kissing are 200 times more powerful than morphine.

source: http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/kissing-benefits

Happy Birthday cute thang!

2011-04-23T17:20:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was Rasyad's nephew's birthday. We bought for him this adorable checkered long sleeve shirt from Camouflage. Too bad I didn't take a pic of it.

One thing I learnt yesterday: R should never ever sit beside the food table at parties. Hahaha.

2011-04-21T19:05:00.002+08:00

I received an email from my SC3101 teaching assistant regarding my term paper, as I could not come to campus to collect it. It was the hugest shock I ever got. You see, I have been struggling with this module since day one. It is very theorectical, and the discussions during class usually leave me very very confused and unsure of my grasp of knowledge.

So when she told me that I got A- for my 2nd response paper and an A for my term paper (which she said she had no comments as it was a good paper. Like WOW) I literally teared up. I mean, this module has been on my worry list since forever, I was really unsure if I could ace it. It seems so hard. But when I received this news, I really am so happy. Hard work do pay off. I crammed like crazy to finish the paper, and my very first A! I have gotten A- a couple of times before but a straight A, and for the hardest module somemore. CRAZY.

Reading her email makes me more confident for my saturday paper. And surprisingly, my headaches are feeling better now. Thanks Pamela :))

2011-04-14T22:39:00.003+08:00

Why I was quiet the whole time?

Because I realised our 2 years would not be as anticipated.

Disappointing, but understandable.

I can't be selfish, can i?

They see me rolling...

2011-04-12T23:15:00.002+08:00

I HAD THE FIRST PRIVATE RIDE ON RASYAD'S TRUCK WITHOUT ANYBODY ELSE MENYEBOK-ING. (meaning his colleague. HAHA). I was such a happy girl :) He fetched me from school, hence saving me from the merciless rain. Drove to Simpang Bedok to eat eat eat. I feel like damn tai-tai, sashaying at Simpang with just my wallet (as i kept my bag in the truck) and walked back to the carpark macam superstar gitu. OKAY, I know I'm being obnoxious. But the feeling of not taking public transport is so great :)) So proud of him :) Then, we went for a ride, chit chatted, talked about insane cab drivers. Finally, he sent me home. I feel like a champion.

How I celebrated my 21st Birthday..

2011-04-11T13:06:00.005+08:00

Thursday, 31st March

Friday, 1st April

Saturday, 2nd April

All these beautiful moments were captured by my first ever camera in GOLD, Samsung PL150. Thank you baby <3

2011-03-27T18:22:00.002+08:00

It was only about 15 min ago that I realised I'm turning 21 on Thursday. People always get hyped up about their 21st Birthday, heck, when I was planning for my 21st Birthday when I was 15. But know, I'm pretty nonchalant/indifferent about it. Nevertheless, R's up to something. I can feel it. That's one thing I'm excited about. Not about turning 21 or the presents etc. But knowing what my boyfriend surprises me with. He never fails to know what I desire.

2011-03-25T04:22:00.000+08:00

LOL. Seriously, the song is fucked up.

HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY HIDAYAH-BOOM!

2011-03-20T08:02:00.003+08:00

We celebrated DAYAH's birthday at TIMBRE@ OLD SCHOOL last night. It was so much fun!! The music was good, the pizzas were freaking awesome. The service was great as well, don't know why the reviews were so negative. But kudos to Timbre for making the night awesome-possumz. And we has cake from awfully chocolate. Surprisingly, the cake was not as delicious as expected, but it was chocolate baby! So, yumzz. Ain bought Daya this cute little tiara which keeps falling off her head due to her silky after-treatment hair. Funny siotz. Oh yeah, Angel stroke off an item from her bucket list. She said she needed drama in her life so she did something that she had never done before. I was not there to witness the damage done but hell, it was freaking hilarious.

We then headed to NAZRIN'S for shisha. Angel wanted to share her misery with Shaikha, so she told Daya to hook Shaikha up with Lazy-Eye Baboon. hahaahaaa... You should see how Shaikha did an impersonation of him. While Daya was doing her thing with some TAB regular customers, me Angel Shaikha and Syad was rating guys. (Yes, my BF was in it too. HAHAHAA. He has his gay moments :))

All in all, it was really a splendid night spent. Pics are still in Daya's ancient camera.

Toodles!

2011-03-11T12:13:00.003+08:00

I was at TAB yesterday, doing hosting. Meaning, I was downstairs at the door. ALONE. And all i could see walking past and patronising TAB was couples. Holding hands, kissing, hugging, laughing with each other.

I was thinking to myself "MOCKING ME, ey?". Then, I felt so so lonely, and missing him. Man, i am so whiny when I miss him. BADBADBADBADBADBADBADBAD.

2011-03-06T00:11:00.003+08:00

See, I told you what's wrong and you still don't get it. So, what's the point?

1 hour still makes a difference dammit. Maybe I should just pack myself with work, school, dance till I have no time left for you. Then you know how it feels. How precious every single fucking minute is.

2011-03-06T00:04:00.001+08:00

" Memories- You can't escape them , but you can't let them rule you either"

-Rob Thurman

2011-03-05T23:58:00.002+08:00

" What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction"

- Chuck Palahniuk

2011-03-05T23:52:00.002+08:00

" Our wicked lies is where we hope to keep safe from pain"

- Space Between, Dave Matthews Band.

2011-03-02T16:09:00.002+08:00

I remember this! R bought this for me when he went to Australia. I forgot the name. I think its Rocky Road or something. But it's damn delicious. Cause of the marshmellows and nuts, 2 of my favourite foods :)

2011-03-02T16:05:00.001+08:00

Did not get my curly fries from A&W :((

2011-02-28T09:21:00.000+08:00

syg, im reaching spore, terminal 1 ard 3pm. i wish you could fetch me, but you are working :((( i miss you so so much.

2011-02-26T10:43:00.002+08:00

Hey syg... I just finish my breakfast... Now we are going shopping!! Hope you are doing okay in singapore... If it's possible, please talk to me here. I am worried about you...I miss you baby.. Mwuuaah!!

2011-02-25T10:11:00.002+08:00

hey syg.. sorry my friend's phone died and onlu her phone can go blogger so i could not update last night.. now we are having breakfast before leaving for tvri studio.. im sorry i can only update once a day as only the lobby has wifi.. i misss you love..

2011-02-24T14:06:00.002+08:00

hey syg.. i cant log into facebook, dunno why. lucky the hotel got wifi so lets communicate here ok :) right now we are checking in the hotel.. so i will update u again tonight k.. love u so much love.. mwuuaah!

2011-02-22T14:38:00.002+08:00

School: Pain in the ass

TAB: I'm losing interest due to the politics between bar and floor.

Dance: TV recording at Jakarta, baby!!!! But, I'm gonna miss my baby here in Singapore :(

2011-02-05T16:01:00.002+08:00

Blogger is being a motherfucka. I cant freaking upload pics. But its ok, i upload on FB instead. So, I spent CNY with momma and adik. We had an eating spree. Hahaha. Then on friday, I went to East Coast to watch Rasyad play street soccer with his uncle's colleagues. I feel so proud, cause I feel like a cheerleader girlfriend supporting her jock boyfriend. LMAO! We are SO NOT. Look at us, we are nowhere near having the physique of a cheerleader and a jock. But its was fun :)

I want some more of that.

2011-02-03T00:04:00.002+08:00

You know how we tend to harp on someone's mistakes, despite the fact that they did much more nice things for us. It's as though when they did something wrong, that's the criteria we use to judge them, or predict that's how they gonna be for the rest of their lives when in fact, the good they did clearly outweighs it all.

I am guilty of that towards Rasyad at times. I've been reflecting on some things and I've actually decided to make a list of the goods and bads. I know, this is uncalled for and not supposed to be shared to the whole world but I want the whole world to know how great a boyfriend to me he actually is. Which I sometimes fail to appreciate.

GREAT THINGS RASYAD HAS DONE FOR ME:
1. He always plan surprises (though most of them failed. haha) because he knows how i adore surprises. He would show up on random days at school to surprise me. Once, I was sick and he showed up at my door unexpectedly. Totally made me feel better.

2. That time, he knew I was hungry and had no money to buy dinner, so he cooked for me maggie, packed it and I had my most love-filled dinner at the void deck.

3. No matter how tired he is after work, he would always be there when I need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to. With puffy and bloodshot eyes, he would still give me his utmost attention.

4. He makes me feel like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. Like I'm his priceless treasure, whom he protects with everything he's got so that no one could steal me away.

5. His sincere love, commitment and loyalty which he never fail to prove to me every single day.

6. Random things like kisses on the forehead, hugs right in the middle of a crowd, the look on his face when he stares at me like all he could see is me... Much much more. I cant even list them.

I'm not gonna put the other side of the list. But all I can disclose is that there's 2 things on that list. See how the good things outweighs the bad? But I always focus on the bad things that I totally ignore the fact that he has done so much for me. Everytime we have our arguments, or when my mind does the weird thing of re-living the bad incidents, all my energy is concentrated on those 2 incidents. No matter how he expressed his remorse a kezillion times and assurance that they are the first and the last times he's ever gonna do them, I keep bringing them up over and over again. I'm so caught up in wanting him to be perfect that I forgot he is only human, like me. And that I too have done/say things I shouldn't have.

Moral of the story is, always take a step back and reflect on all the good things that person has done to you before making any judgements. Be more forgiving as everybody makes mistakes. What matters most is that he/she learns from the mistakes and does not do it again.

Typing this out has made me realized that I should show more appreciation towards him. I should stop punishing him for that 2 wrongs he did (even though they are MAJOR to me) because they were only a one-time thing.

His love and commitment, on the other hand, never stop even for a second.

2011-01-29T15:42:00.003+08:00

Just had a FANTASTIC Skype session with Syad. The best session ever :))))))). HAHAHA.

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness."

—Friedrich Nietzsche

2011-01-25T11:16:00.002+08:00

I woke up today with a feeling I can't quite put a finger on it. I was feeling like something's missing in my life + I needed to do something + I needed him to be by my side. I really don't quite understand it. It's this heavy heart feeling, y'know. And I cried watching Style by Jury while having my breakfast.

I seriously can't fathom myself sometimes.

2011-01-24T22:31:00.005+08:00

So, today's his first day of work and he was so stressed when he called me to talk about his day. Nevertheless, I am very proud of him for not giving up despite the difficulties he faced. My boy got swag yo. HAHAHAHAHA!

Dont worry okay. You'll be great once you master the task at hand. I'm sure of it :)

Happy 1 year 8 months and 2 days.

2011-01-21T16:42:00.004+08:00

The amount of readings I have to do is INSANE

(and it's only the 2nd week of school)

2011-01-21T16:28:00.000+08:00

Aww. He's gonna grow up to be a heartbreaker.

2011-01-20T19:21:00.002+08:00

I have this extremely painful thing on the left side of my nose. I suspect it's a pimple disguised as nothing. I mean, it looks as though there's nothing there, but when u touch over, there's a small bump. Its fucking painful to the point that when I scrunched up my nose, my whole left side of my face feels bruised and my head aches. Fucking epic. Thanks alot, you stupid organism.

2011-01-20T18:26:00.001+08:00

:))))) R.

2011-01-17T20:31:00.000+08:00

2011-01-16T21:38:00.002+08:00

I miss my boyfriend.

I don't wanna do anything with him, like go out and watch a movie or dinner. I just wanna smell him and sit real close to him till I feel his warmth transmitting through me.

2011-01-14T22:21:00.002+08:00

" You must be here, with your body and mind united. In our daily lives, we lose ourselves all the time. The body is here, but the mind is somewhere else; in the past, in the future, carried away by anger, jealousy, fear and so on. The mind is not really present with the body. We are not really here."

- Thich Nhat Hanh, You Are Here

2011-01-14T21:08:00.000+08:00

*heart stops*

2011-01-14T20:54:00.002+08:00

Caught Season of the Witch and Centurion recently. Obviously, Syad prefered Centurion because it was more gorey out of the two. For me, I preferred Season of the Witch. There was more plot twists than Centurion. But I must say, Centurion fighting scenes were fantastic. The effects were better too. So i'd say Centurion was a better value for money.

2011-01-12T18:42:00.002+08:00

It's been freaking 5 days and my fever is still on/off, my nose is forever blocked, it feels like a woodpecker is living in my head and my body aches like shit. Come on body, please stop being a weakling and start recovering. ARGHHHHHH!

2011-01-11T12:33:00.002+08:00

So, school has officially starteeeeedddd. Today's my 2nd day, and I have a Media and Culture 4-6pm lecture later. This semester, I am taking Sociology of Deviance, Gender Studies, Social Thought and Social Theory, Media and Culture and the long-desired module Reading Visual Images. WOOOOTS.

I'm on a roll baby.

2011-01-07T18:16:00.001+08:00

"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation"

-Kahlil Gibran

My 1st 2011 cravings

2011-01-07T17:55:00.004+08:00

1) Pizza

2) Sushi

3) Fro-Yo

4) Waffles and Ice Cream.

Gosh, someone pass me a towel. I'm drooling all over my Acer.

2011-01-07T17:47:00.002+08:00

Cute, but so true.

2011-01-06T19:19:00.002+08:00

She looks so serene, contented, happy. Like someone I used to be.

2011-01-05T14:48:00.002+08:00

I need a getaway. But a bit too late hor. School starts freaking monday. Bleurgh.

2011-01-05T14:39:00.002+08:00

"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place."

—Elizabeth Gilbert

I'm guilty of this. Sometimes, I expect too much.

2011-01-05T14:22:00.000+08:00

Yummy. Me want.

2011-01-04T17:46:00.002+08:00

Why do you always get the last word. Why am I treated as though I'm the bad guy here when you were the one who caused this change in me. I was so much happier, but you had to do it. Now, I'm being punished as though I was the one who did wrong.

2011-01-04T11:49:00.002+08:00

My depression mode is on. I need an outlet to let out all this pent-up frustration without anyone knowing. Not even him. Because I made the mistake of posting things here and ended up being the bad guy in everyone's eyes. They dont know the entire truth.

I'm doing another blog, one that only I can have access to.

This blog is still open for pictures, funny stuff and the occasional rants. But to express my innermost feelings, I have to do it elsewhere.

(I won't come to you to share. You would just make me feel worse)

2011-01-03T23:29:00.003+08:00

You know at times your mind just wont shut up? I'm experiencing it now. Like, its over-analysing things. Thinking too far ahead. Expecting the 'ifs'. Making up scenarios that would just leave me bruised.

I wish I could just scream to myself to shut the fuck up.

I.need.reassurance.

3, 2, 1.. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2011-01-03T17:02:00.002+08:00

Okay, so this post is late by 3 days due to 2 reasons. I had lots of errands to do and I was too lazy to switch on my Acer.

My new year celebration was spent with awesome people. There were 9 of us, ok let me recall. There was me, Syad, A'an, Amalia, a. Azam, Syukri, Boboy, Firdaus (??) and Whys (ok, i know this is not how his name is spelled but that's how his name is pronouced. Everytime I hear his name, I would expect a dozen question marks popping out of nowhere. haha. But he fierce. I scarded). We went to Siloso beach to chillax and to get PD. But we ended up going to the beach party. Hahaha. It was fun at first but i got bored after a while. Maybe because we went in late, ard 230am, so most of the party-goers had sizzled out.

ohohoh!!! guess who I met while walking to the main arena. MAISARAH MISKOON!! haha, so nice to see a fellow temasekian again. Then at the main arena, me and Syad met up with Syad's camp + ex-colleagues. By far, Shidee is the funniest camp mate of Syad's I ever met. LOL.

All in all, I had tons of fun. I realized I was laughing throughout the night, due to the boys' antics. Sadly, there are no pics. BooHoo. Coz my phone camera is very blurry at night and Syad's iPhone4 no flash. Kental. The only pictures we took are with Whys.

But we were all enjoying ourselves like this:

2010-12-30T17:53:00.004+08:00

So, how do you regain someone's trust?

You can't. Once it's lost, it's lost.
You can still love someone as deeply as ever, but to fully trust him/her again would take a long time.

Maybe, never.

2010-12-25T12:25:00.002+08:00

Sugar Rush. I know this series have been aired liked donkey years ago, but I absolutely love it. It makes me realise that it doesn't matter whether you're straight or gay to be hurt by love. I mean I've heard many stories by both guys and girls of how they turn gay as they were hurt by members of the opposite sex. But turning gay doesn't mean you wont get hurt ever. I have a friend who had a lesbian partner who cheated on her. So, whoever says gay relationships happen because women/men wont betray their lesbian/gay partners because they understand each other is utter rubbish. When it comes to love and relationships, you WILL get hurt. One way or another, minor or major heartbreaks.

Cheating, lying, betrayal, unfaithfulness... They don't gender discriminate.

2010-12-24T21:21:00.002+08:00

I am currently hooked on Sonny with a Chance (thanks elsa), Dance Academy and Sugar Rush. Been watching the episodes back to back since 12pm. Its the best way to spend a cold, lonely Friday. Cheetos, ice cream and Youtube :) Yeah, I know, I'm a geek. Okay, Dance Academy is about to finish loading. Ima get back to my happy ritual :)))

2010-12-23T23:12:00.005+08:00

I don't know why I've been so obssessed with interior design. Especially for bedrooms. I guess it stemmed from the outing to IKEA I had with Rasyad. Well, we were supposed to go swimming, but the swimming complex was closed. The day started raining and there was nothing else to do but to stay indoors. We were so bored of window-shopping so Rasyad thought of going to Ikea. We ended up 'planning' for our very own house. I swear it was one of the funnest date we ever had. Hence, my obsession for interior design was born.

While waiting for Sonny with a Chance to load on youtube, I CHANCED upon (get the joke.hehe) some pretty stuff.

Okay, the last one is not really related but the picture is sooooo adorabbbbbllllee. If you don't know, starting from the far left, it's Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Princess Jasmine, Cinderella, Belle, and Ariel. I don't know why. I'm just feeling extra girly-kiddy today :))))

2010-12-23T19:46:00.001+08:00

WOW.

2010-12-23T17:08:00.005+08:00

I was watching this indon movie when I remembered this incident of mine.

It happened on the night the girls, me and Rasyad went to Arab Street for dinner and leak session.

We took a cab home, and as I live in Tampines, I was the last one off.

Well, I was wearing this baggy cropped top, which slips up when I bend down or strecth. It so happen that while i was getting off the cab, my top slipped up alot due to the strong wind. And thanks to my luck, right behind the cab was this car full of MATS who were apparently dropping off one of their members. So when my top slipped up, the whole carfuk of mats so and they started laughing and whistling as though I was an act from the Cirque du Soleil. They literally went like this

I was freaking pissed at being made a spectacle that I felt like maiming them like this

I was so hoping that their car would crash and burn in front of me, but when they drove off, with satisfied smiles like children who just finished a whole bag of cheetos, all i could do was

2010-12-22T15:18:00.001+08:00

‎22. I think you're one of those rare girls who is really good in a lot of things. You're smart, beautiful and have dancing as a talent! I love your eyes, skin-bare or in thick heavy make-up. ♥

aww elsaaa...